2017 is Drawing to a Close & a Stronger 2018 Awaits
I never imagined I’d be where I am today. Just two years ago I was married to my first husband, wondering if there was any way to make it to my 25th anniversary. I wasn’t sure I wanted that, to be completely honest. My marriage was hard. Very, very hard.
It got hard a few weeks into it, when we had a raging argument as we left our own wedding reception. I remember crying, pleading for him to let me out of the car, and yet terrified in a way that he would actually pull over.
I won’t go into the details. We have children together, five of them, and the pain of my marriage and resulting divorce is a private thing. My ex and I both made mistakes. We hurt each other. We blamed one another and ultimately realized we had to leave to be saved.
Sometimes I wish it could have happened sooner, but lessons are lessons and growth opportunities are there for a reason, even if it’s hard to appreciate them at the time.
But leaving him, starting a new life where I had to make my own decisions and provide for myself entirely on my own, that was hard too. And I wondered where that would put me, how I’d end up.
Stronger. That’s one thing it did to me. I really had no choice in the matter. I had to be strong for my kids and for myself. You see, I fled my marriage during a time that could have broken me. My mother was dying of cancer. My father was caring for her night and day. My oldest daughter (my friend) had moved to another state.
I sought refuge with strangers as I tried to sort out my next move.
I felt alone.
And yet, I felt comforted and more whole than I had in many years.
I thought, surely I can do this. Then I thought, I’d rather be swallowed up in a pit and cease to exist. And then I thought, I have children and they need me to be there for them. And that moved to a new thought that kinda scared me at the time, this crazy idea that I actually had great value and I needed to work hard to become my best self.
Emotions surge and flow during the times of greatest learning, the times when pain wakes us up and makes us step from even the slightest semblance of comfort. Emotions can make us joyful one moment and sobbing in the corner the next, but strength pulls us through, just as it pulled me through my darkest nights and greatest pains.
My new husband says he sees this strength in me, and he helps me see it for myself as well. He encourages me to stand on my own as a strong and independent woman, while still being bound to him with love and shared purpose.
That’s what I meant when I said I never imagined I’d be where I am today. I’m strong and independent. Smart. I can provide for myself and I can make my own decisions with confidence. I’m also so deeply in love with my husband it feels crazy sometimes! It’s like all the lessons were for my good after all and I passed the tests to get me to this place, this beautiful and amazing life with a man I love deeper than I thought it possible to love …
Those moments after my divorce, though, those “aha” times when I could look back and see reality, see mistakes or the times we honestly tried, those were hard to put in perspective, but so very, very necessary. Those times I cut myself off from others, hid behind walls, too afraid of making friends or relationships that would produce more pain, those were scary and lonely. The times I decided to open up and search out new relationships … sometimes they crushed me and sent me back to a corner to sob, to work through the spiraling thought processes once more.
But each experience and each new pain built strength, resolve and commitment to be a better, stronger me.
And that’s exactly where I needed to be before I met my new spouse. I needed to know I could take care of myself, that I could thrive, that I could be comfortable with me.
So, when I met this adorable man online with the cutest dimples, I knew I could be open enough with him to see if there was a future for us. I could be confident enough in my own feelings to know if I should move forward.
And, when my mother’s body gave into cancer, I felt secure. I felt I was really and truly who I needed to be. That knowledge allowed me to feel comfort in her passing instead of despair.
And when my father called and said he was getting remarried, I was able to feel pure joy for him for he had also become stronger. He had found the will and way to move on.
That doesn’t mean each day is easy, that there are no trials. They will continue to exist for the rest of our lives because without them, how are we pushed to grow, to overcome and become the best versions of ourselves we could possibly be?
As I look forward to 2018, I know that more strength awaits. More opportunities to grow will be presented but more love and beauty will also be there, with me, beside me.
I’ve been told that my story often gives others hope that they will find love again, hope that they can find more strength, and it’s my hope that it truly does. Perhaps that’s why I felt I needed to share my thoughts today. Perhaps there’s someone out there, somewhere seeking hope as I once did, trying to heal and find the strength that’s surely there already, deep inside them, waiting to be released.
