How criticism can hurt your relationships and marriage

Dr. Jessica Higgins says, “Criticism is the act of focusing on your partner’s flaws and passing judgment. Over time, a critical stance can turn into a habit of disapproving, critiquing, correcting, blaming, nitpicking, or trying to fix your significant other.”

She continues to explain that critical remarks may seem innocent at the time but the cumulative effect can be destructive, the same word used by writers at Psychology Today when describing the effects of criticism.

Criticism from your partner can harm your relationship by making you feel like you’re “less than” or somehow “unworthy.” –Photo by veeterzy on Unsplash

Relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman explains, “Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his or her whole being when you criticize.”

Criticism vs complaints

In case Gottman’s explanation isn’t clear enough, he teaches this concept through examples. I’ve provided a couple of my own:

A complaint would go something like this: “I’m so tired of hearing about our debt! I wish we could just get those credit cards paid off so we could go out for a nice dinner once in a while.”