How criticism can hurt your relationships and marriage

Dr. Jessica Higgins says, “Criticism is the act of focusing on your partner’s flaws and passing judgment. Over time, a critical stance can turn into a habit of disapproving, critiquing, correcting, blaming, nitpicking, or trying to fix your significant other.”

She continues to explain that critical remarks may seem innocent at the time but the cumulative effect can be destructive, the same word used by writers at Psychology Today when describing the effects of criticism.

Criticism from your partner can harm your relationship by making you feel like you’re “less than” or somehow “unworthy.” –Photo by veeterzy on Unsplash

Relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman explains, “Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his or her whole being when you criticize.”

Criticism vs complaints

In case Gottman’s explanation isn’t clear enough, he teaches this concept through examples. I’ve provided a couple of my own:

A complaint would go something like this: “I’m so tired of hearing about our debt! I wish we could just get those credit cards paid off so we could go out for a nice dinner once in a while.”

Whereas criticism sounds more like this: “If you hadn’t wasted all our money on your stupid business idea, we’d be able to go out to eat once in a while.”

Why criticism fails

Steven Stosny, Ph.D. explains why criticism fails. He says criticism embodies two of the things people hate the most:

• It calls for submission, and
• It devalues.

It turns into a negative cycle that can “create an enormous amount of distance and disconnection in a relationship.”

Of course, that shouldn’t be a surprise. Who actually thrives when they are constantly thrown into submission, and devalued by the person they should be able to trust the most?

I like the way Oscar Wilde looks at criticism when he says, “Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography.” In his article, What’s Wrong with Criticism, Stosny says that criticism “tells you more about the psychology of the critic than the…