The silent treatment, emotional withholding, and avoidant abuse

I never anticipated the response I’d get when I first wrote about emotional withholding three years ago. My short article has garnered thousands of views per month consistently since it was published, and it’s been shared via text, social media, and email tens-of-thousands of times.

The silent treatment, emotional withholding, and avoidant abuse are all serious forms of emotional abuse. Image by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash.

This tells me that there are many people who feel the effects of this type of abuse — more than I ever realized. As I reread my prior article, I noticed that I only skimmed the surface of what emotional withholding is, how it can affect the receiver, and what you can do about it.

What is emotional withholding?

Emotional withholding is the act of intentionally keeping one’s feelings, thoughts, and needs from another person. This can be done in various ways, such as refusing to share your thoughts or feelings, giving the silent treatment, or avoiding intimate conversations.

Emotional withholding is harmful to relationships because it creates a sense of distance and disconnect between people. When one person withholds their emotions, it can make the other person feel rejected, frustrated, or confused.

“Similar to gaslighting, withholding makes the victim feel as if they are isolated, ignored, or do not have control over their own lives. One of the reasons it’s so damaging is because the victim cannot do anything to stop it; their only hope for relief is to leave the situation or rid themselves of the abuser,” states the M3ND project in an article titled, The Most Toxic Form of Emotional Abuse: Withholding.

Why do people engage in emotional withholding?

There are many reasons why people may engage in emotional withholding. Some may do it as a form of self-protection, believing that sharing their emotions will only lead to hurt or rejection. Others may have learned to withhold their emotions as a coping mechanism in response to past traumas. Others do it as a way to outright punish others.

My children and I lived in a home where it was used as deliberate punishment, and sentiments like these would surface at the slightest disagreement, misbehavior, or imagined offense:

• When you learn to…